“He hurt my feelings.” “She hurt my feelings.” “Those kids hurt my feelings.” Children who believe that other’s words hold power over their feelings will suffer more than is necessary. 

When I was 8 my older and younger sister told me I was adopted and ugly. I ran to my mom and told her what they said. Her words shocked me, “Everyone has a right to their opinion. Just because they say you are ugly, it doesn’t make you ugly. You have a sister who likes chocolate ice cream but hates strawberry. You have another sister who loves strawberry and you love vanilla but dislike strawberry. That does not make one flavor better than another. That’s why Thrifty’s carry 10 flavors of ice cream. Next time someone says something unkind to you just tell them, “You have a right to your own opinion.” and walk away. Most people who say unkind things to others are unhappy themselves.

At first, I was disappointed that she didn’t yell at my sisters for being so mean. But her advice stopped the mean words. Since they didn’t have a negative impact on my feelings, they picked someone else to use their mean words on in the future. 

As an adult, I asked my mom why she didn’t discipline them. She confirmed that she privately spoke to each about how they use their words. “I made sure they understood when they say unkind things to others, it’s makes them look like they are unhappy. She emphasized, If you can’t say something kind, don’t say anything.” 

“I know it might have surprised you at the time, but I wanted you to be prepared for future mean girls. There will be mean people in this world that are unhappy and want others to be unhappy, so offering you a different way of looking at the mean words would protect you from further pain. We choose to let words hurt us, or we can choose to consider the source. I wanted you to know that what others think of you is of no concern to you. If you are living a purposeful life and treating others with respect, anyone having something unkind to say to you are more than likely jealous or unhappy with their own situation.

Unfortunately, I have experienced unkind people throughout my life, but I have been prepared for them. We can help our children by helping them do the following:

1. Set the tone for communication so everyone feels their varying ideas are heard and valued. Make sure students understand that they will be discussing ideas that offer opportunities for varying opinions. If someone disagrees with another participant’s opinion, it’s not the person they disagree with, but the idea. We will agree to disagree. 
2. Verify that a differing opinion is not intended to hurt feelings but is an opportunity to see a variety of views. 
3. Avoid sensitive topics. When group members become emotional, the amygdala senses stress and sends the blood flow to the legs for a quick get-a-way. Logic is difficult when the prefrontal cortex is devoid of proper blood flow. Help students 
4. Educate students what active listening looks like: Listening while making eye contact with the speaker, focusing on what is being said rather than waiting to be heard. 
5. Value other’s opinions even when they differ from their opinion.
6. Train students to ask for clarification, by using open ended questions such as, “Please share what makes you feel this way? This will allow the listener to hear the reasoning behind the opinion. Then ask for clarification by restating what was heard, “Am I correct that you feel…..because…?” 
7. Ask participants to pay attention to the tone of their own voices when sharing ideas or asking for clarification. 
8. Once the listener feels heard, it is appropriate to share a differing opinion using an “I” statement. “I appreciate your opinion. I see it a little differently.” Or “I have a different view.” Share the opinion and provide supportive facts not feelings. 
9. Reinforce that they don’t need to adopt the differing opinion, but they need to be respectful when it is shared. 

The children learned how to value differing opinions with an activity that required them to pitch an idea they would like to have implemented at our school to the head of school. To be successful, they needed to get the opinions of each of their classmates. 

At first, the third graders had a hard time recognizing the value of differing opinions. Some got their feelings hurt. Understanding how important it was to hear the negatives before they composed their argument, allowed them to counter objections in their pitch.

When their perspective shifted, they became open to hearing all possible negatives the head of school might have when he read their letters. 

The class was divided in half. Sitting in a circle, students sat inside the circle facing outside and the outside circle faced the inside circle. The students pitched their idea to classmates and listened to the classmates’ questions. Each negative offered them to opportunity to research how to counter all the negatives before writing their pitch. Instead of hurt feelings, they experienced gratitude for the different perspectives. 

One pitch was to have a family movie night on the football field on a Saturday night. The student had a list of ten reasons the classmates thought he would reject her idea. She was able to craft a pitch that addressed all the negatives and the following spring we had a successful event that not only raised money but started an annual way for families to connect and bond. 

Sixty students presented the head of school with pitches. Those open to as many negatives possible, they were the most successful. Each year several students’ ideas were selected. It validated the reason for viewing negatives in a positive light.